13 Things That Sound Sexy But *Really* Aren’t

1. Sharing a bath.

It looks so romantic in the movies, right? 



Fitting two sets of fully grown legs in one tub is like an awkward game of naked tetris.

And they never show you the pain of being lumbered with the tap end. 

2. Chocolate body paint. 


Sure, it tastes nice. But it’s not an ideal scenario when the fire alarm goes off. 

You can’t hide dried chocolate splatters. 

3. Turning up at your boyfriend’s door in nothing but a trench coat. 


All it takes is one gust of wind, girls. 


4. Flicking your hair coyly before a smooch. 


It’s all too easy to whip it in his eyes. Instand mood killer. 

5. Pouting. 


Marilyn Monroe’s signature sultry pose has been rebranded by drunken girls in nightclub bathrooms. 

So it’s probably not the best tool to reach for in a sexy situation. 

6. Sexting. 


There’s just so many ways this could go wrong. 

See: Sexting Fails That Will Haunt You Forever

7. Feeding one another. 


Cooking together is always a great way to bond and have a giggle.

But if you then try to take inspiration from that scene in Lady In The Tramp, it never runs that smoothly. 

You’ll pretty much end up with a meatball marinara facial. Or just find food all over your lap. 


8. Push-up bras. 


Especially if it’s a size too small. The temporary cleavage boost just isn’t worth the breathing problems. 

See: Big Boob Problems: 13 Very Real Thoughts

9. Overly-elaborate underwear. 


Getting it on is a mission, and don’t even talk to us about trying to take it off. 

10. Tights. 


They’re a necessity for the colder months and totally look the part with a nice winter frock. 

But taking them off is possibly the least sexy thing we can think of. And just quite awkward, really… 

11. Toes. 


Bear with us. Apparently, some people find them sexy… 

But. Don’t. EVER. Go near our feet. 

– The End –

12. Oil. So much oil. 


Massages are always fun. When done properly. 

Otherwise they’re uncomfortable, and just downright dangerous. 

They’re not good for the bed sheets either. 

13. Trying to do a sexy dance


Whether you’re bumping and grinding your way through the nightclub, or trying to show off your best moves for your other half, it probably never looks the way it does in your head. 

Oh woe. 

By Laura Jane Turner