Gaffes, one liners, Sugar-isms and who can forget Nick Hewer’s contribution? The Apprentice has been TV gold for another year. Here are our series nine highlights…
LEAH PLAYED THE NUMBERS GAME
Lord Sugar’s pal Claude Littner is every apprentice’s biggest nightmare. Unless you’re human calculator Leah Totton, of course. The Irish beauty expert won over Mr Mean in the interviews episode with her tongue-twisting explanation of the numbers in her business plan. Vorderman, eat your heart out.
JORDAN’S DRESSING DOWNS
It started when Jordan Poulton air-punched in the boardroom only to be lambasted by Lord Sugar for his “football match” behaviour (who are ya?!) And then came Claude Littner. “You’ve got no right to be here because you are feeding on somebody else’s idea, somebody else’s business,” he scathed in a body-blowing interview, before telling a quivering Jordan: “You are a parasite.” Then, in a ruthless finale, Claude blasted: “This interview is terminated. You can leave now.” Ouch. We’d still be having nightmares…
JASON LEECH – FOR BEING JASON LEECH
Super posh Jason had us howling from episode one. “My intelligence is like a machete in the jungle. It just takes one swipe and I’ll be through,” was one hilarious one-liner. Then, after the camping task when Big Al said: “You’ve obviously never been in a caravan or camping?” Jason replied: “I’ve never been to Birmingham either.” Er, seriously?! Throw in his comment when testing out a flat-pack chair for height: “Not you Jordan, somebody average size” and the time he “scored” with a Grandma while selling caravans (okay, one caravan) and we were utterly sold. Next stop Made In Chelsea?
THE SALES ORGASM MOMENT
The week of the flat pack furniture task and Neil Clough came out with a corker. “It’s called the sales orgasm – you get them to say yes three times,” he said, proving that either he’s a success with the ladies or a massive fan of When Harry Met Sally.
WHEN NICK HEWER ACTUALLY SAID ‘SMASH IT’
It was episode 10 and even before the girls kicked the boys’ butts by selling a supersize number of hats one beady eyed observer had it sussed. Nick “I’m totally down with the kids” Hewer explained: “They should, as they say, smash it”. Classic.
ALEX INSISTED HE’S NOT JUST A PRETTY PAIR OF EYEBROWS
Frankly, the thought of Alex Mills getting action down in The Valleys is enough to make us a touch queasy. But the big eye-browed Welshman wouldn’t let us forget his male prowess. Like, never. “I am the Christian Grey of the Valleys” he professed, before travelling to Dubai only to tell a bemused salesman: “Fresh Viagra? I don’t need any of that, I’m from Wales.”
FOR (NOT SO) GOOD MEASURE
Oh Kurt Wilson, how could you mistake inches for centimetres when creating the most important flag of your life? But it was the nugget of brilliance that followed from Nick during the Dubai task that had us in stitches (geddit?). “Your flag would look like a pimple on an elephant,” said the ever observant Hewer. Then back in the boardroom Lord Sugar’s classic struck gold. “Myles…Kurt would probably call you kilometers.” Or caravan…
Luisa Zussman’s description of herself included the following: “I have the energy of a Duracell bunny, sex appeal of Jessica Rabbit, and a brain like Einstein.” We’re not sure what Einstein would think of that one… or Jessica for that matter.
FRANCESCA’S LESS THAN MOTIVATIONAL MOTIVATIONAL SPEECH
It started so well at the corporate team-building event when Francesca Macduff-Varley began her speech to inspire. “I wanted to be policewoman when I grew up, that’s what drove me,” explained the dance tutor. “I’m not a policewoman now though.” Er, great success.
ALAN SUGAR’S IMPECCABLE ONE LINERS
You can always count on Lord Sugar to entertain with his classic use of words and these were our favourites:
1) Berating the losing team in the Dubai task: “Thank God I never sent you out to get 20 camels, you’d come back with a packet of fags!”
2) After seeing the losing team’s cheese ball dating advert for the over 55s: “That makes Last of the Summer Wine look like an action movie.”
3) Discussing Deadly Dinners, the losing team’s not so child-friendly kids’ food: “This is going to be part of a range of products? Like lethal lasagne or homicidal hummus?”
4) On the girls’ Tidy Sidey flat pack table: “Tidy Sidey, wishy washy, poxy boxy.”
5) Of Zeeshaan Shah, who doesn’t drink, after the beer-making task: “He’s as dry as a cream cracker in the bleedin’ Sahara Desert!”
6) Reacting to Luisa’s business plan: “I’m not going to spend hundreds of thousands on hundreds and thousands.”
By Gemma Calvert
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