Righto, time for some good old British reflection. And by ‘reflection’ we mean meditating on all those awkward mistakes we’ve made across our lives. Americans don’t get it, they float through life unencumbered by their past dating mistakes, dwelling on them is a national hobby for us.
In an attempt to corral some solidarity lets stop hiding behind nervous laughter and dismissive ‘rights’ and think about those very British problems that will forever inhibit any burgeoning relationship on English soil.
Here are five of the most British dating problems…
1. Sharing oxygen is considered ‘too forward’
We all live in romantic paranoia that someone is either looking at us from across the street or noticing us looking at them.
However, even a lingering stare can come off as a bit audacious so do the proper British thing: keep your eyes down when you walk and pretend that everyone is just multi-coloured lamp-posts that need avoiding.
2. Don’t even think about approaching someone on the street
Have you ever seen the ignition of shock in a British person’s eyes when you speak to them on the street? It’s like a rabbit in the headlights!
3. We can’t take compliments, like, at all
I’m sick of Americans thinking they have a trademark on awkwardness.
Please… until you’ve crossed the road to avoid someone you kind of know then re-cross the road because there’s someone else on that side of the road that you kind of know so you sort of lay in the middle of road pretending you’re a slab of pavement, then you don’t know awkwardness…..
4. ‘Love’ hasn’t evolved much since 1910
We’d like to imagine we’ve all become a lot more warming as a country but it’s only been a few years since we actually embraced Valentine’s Day.
We want that Emily Blunt (a.k.a the perfect UK/USA hybrid) charm and openness to love but we’ll probably just end up marrying some guy we hate and get one of those drab Victorian style paintings where we’re sitting on an old chair with our husband’s hand hovering above our shoulder… ugh.
5. High rent is killing spontaneity
“Can we go back to your place?”
“We can but in order to afford to live in this city, my place is only big enough for one person to stand in it at at a time… but you’re more than welcome. Sorry. Thanks. Sorry”