It’s happened. Your annual holiday has come around *mini fist pump*, and you are finally on your way.
Long afternoons spent on sun loungers, sipping fancy cocktails: your whole monotonous nine til’ five world has been revolving, only to stop at this one point. You’ve meticulously planned. You’ve changed your money. You’ve set your alarm for silly o’clock just to make DOUBLY sure you don’t miss that 5am flight. It’s here. The hollibops of your life. If you’re familiar with these feelings and have taken a trip abroad before, then you’ve definitely experienced the following:
1. Plane Outfit
Why? Honestly, why do we look at pictures of celebs breezing through LAX with their monogrammed Louis Vuitton luggage and cashmere cover-ups and believe we can somehow recreate this effortless glamour? Reality? Freezing plane journeys, and ugly blisters because your feet have swollen to size of melons in your strappy sandals.
2. The Book Dilemma
Do we go for something intellectual to show off how smart we are (there might be a hot bibliophile poolside waiting to share a jug of sangria), or do we demonstrate our personality by selecting some topical biography about a well known politician or sporting celebrity that has overcome something horrid in the face of adversity. Or…we could just sack all these off and re-read Twilight. Decision made.
3. Wardrobe Planning
One outfit per day? Two outfits per day? You cart something like five tonnes of clothing to your destination incurring all manor of overweight fees, only to get there and live in a kaftan for two weeks because it’s too hot for clothes. Hey, but you might wear it at some point right?
You leave for your trip feeling all self-righteous because you’ve decided on self-catering (to save some pennies), only you’ve gone and spent forty euros at the local supermarket on all the imported stuff you’d normally eat at home and now your food budget is completely blown. Sweaty cheese single sandwiches anyone?
Apart from that hideous wax you had to endure pre-vacation, sand chafing is probably the worst kind of holiday pain there is. Plus, you are finding that stuff in your knickers for weeks afterwards.
Acclimatising oneself to a new bathroom is always a bit of a mission at the best of times, but when you are away, it can be downright stressful. Burning hot showers, voltage issues (you may as well get your BFF to physically blow on your hair to dry it), and phantom tap dripping issues are all part and parcel of the holiday experience. How many times have you slipped on a wet tiled floor? Too many to count.
7. Burnt Feet
Because we always forget to put factor on the tops of our feet. And that burn? It feels like you’ll never wear shoes EVER again.
8. Hair Issues
From the dreaded humidity frizz to that unsightly ‘sticking to the back of your neck’ look, hair never, ever plays fairly on holidays. All hail the emergency topknot.
9. Liquid Regulations
Why, why, why do we never learn? You know you can’t just smile sweetly at that airport official in order to smuggle through your 800ml bottle of designer body lotion, because ladies, he just ain’t buying it. You see him toss those expensive cosmetics to one side and it’s possibly THE most devastating thing to ever happen in your life. You never quite get over it, even though you knew the rules. YOU KNEW THE RULES!
Because we’ve all heard the horror stories about astronomical roaming charges when using our mobile phones abroad, we make an effort to use the local public telephones in order to call home and let mum know we’ve arrived okay. Doesn’t matter that between fiddling around with coins and operators we probably end up spending more than we would than if we’d used our actual mobile, and then we wind up having one too many mojitos and post a load of rubbish on Instagram anyways. Huge bill regardless.
11. Weight Restrictions
Ever worn your ENTIRE holiday wardrobe home to avoid weight restrictions? Yep.
12. Ridiculous Tan Lines
Suddenly that lattice front Kardashian style bikini doesn’t seem like that great of an idea does it….
No one informed you that the villa was a good twenty minutes walk away from any form of civilization…along a dirt track…with potholes. Metallic gladiator sandals? Suddenly it’s all gone a bit Russell Crowe…
It sticks. To everything. Clothes, sheets, tablecloths, waiters…honestly, it’s like you’ve become a piece of human flypaper.
No matter how hard we try, we still always feel like a bit of a numpty attempting to speak a different language. Unless it’s ordering food/drinks – then we’re pretty fluent.