There’s no getting away from it.
Festival season has well and truly arrived.
More often than not, a behemoth destination festival (Glastonbury, Bestival) or a city music weekender (SW4, Lovebox) will sit at the very top of our summer social calendar, and for good reason. Meticulous planning goes into the preparation of outfits, the assortment of toiletries needed to make us look halfway decent in such adverse conditions, and the collection of ‘just-in-case’ items (batteries, socks, wipes) that we feel the need to bulk buy and then NEVER use.
However, even though you know it’s DEFINITELY going to rain (you began an unhealthy relationship with iPhone’s weather app three weeks ago), and that there is an eight mile walk cross-country just to get into the campsite – you will sack off your better judgement and common sense in favour of wearing/doing/bringing something ludicrous along for the ride. A banana suit? Hashtag best idea ever.
Except. These ideas rarely pan out. In fact, they can often go disastrously wrong.
Whether you are a newbie or a seasoned pro, there are just some things that just don’t work at a festival.
Hands up if you’ve done one, or all of the below.
Two things people never tell you about glitter. A) It NEVER sticks where you want it to – so instead of looking like some Bowie cosmic queen you actually wind up with most of it in your mouth/sleeping bag/underwear and B) It gets EVERYWHERE. You’ll be finding random bits of sparkle about your person for months afterwards.
2. Neon Hairsprays
A preference held by those that don’t want to fully commit to hair dye, the neon hairspray can transform you from average festi-person to overnight rave sensation. Until it rains, and you are left coping with lumo green streaks running down your face and into your eyes. Minus 50 cool points.
‘Woohoo, I’ve ALWAYS wanted a festival tattoo. Henna isn’t permanent.’ Fast forward. It’s a week later and you’ve given up explaining to your colleagues why your hands are a peculiar shade of brown.
Tried by the girls that wanted to combat the signs of greasy festival hair, row plaits and Bjork-style mini buns were especially popular in the late nineties. Plastic hair ties were ESSENTIAL, despite the fact they ripped your hair out in clumps.
Only those with VIP loo access can rock a jumpsuit at a festival. The rest of us learned the hard way. Ever tried that crouching portaloo swagger whilst holding a torch in your mouth? Yeah, you know.
6. Gladiator Sandals
Yes, uber stylish we know. Not so much when you have to pick ketchup soiled chipper van napkins out of your toes.
We ALL know someone that thought it was a great idea to get pierced at a festival. Unsurprisingly, these stories never end well.
Because let’s face it, does moist toilet tissue differ in any way from your sensitive make-up remover wipes when you are rooting around in a dark tent? Didn’t think so.
How many times have you carted two Tesco bag’s worth of groceries into a festival with the intention of living solely on bananas and muesli bars, only to have a complete change of heart once you smell that dirty burger van? Guilty.
10. Wigs/Hair Extensions
So much fun…for all of a night. Waking up with random bits of synthetic hair half hanging from your scalp is never a good look, especially when they’ve picked up 24 hours worth of campsite litter along the way.
11. Impulsive Stall Buys
Because you HAD to have that ‘vintage’ leather poncho purchased at 2am from an Ian Brown-looking stall owner, who assured you that Kate Moss has one just like it. Cold light of day? Its actually THE most hideous thing you’ve EVER seen…and definitely not worth forty quid.
12. Animal Onesies
Very en vogue for the last couple of years, it’s not unusual these days to see lions or penguins gadding about the dance tent sweating profusely. Once again, toilet breaks can become a teeny tiny issue, especially if the zipper gets stuck.
12. False Nails
When they aren’t falling off, they are collecting ALL the dirt.
14. False Eyelashes
All set for the dance tent? Oh no, you’ve glued your eyelids together.
15. Blowing Your Nose
Horrific. Just, horrific.