Nope, we don’t mean taking a road trip across America, or, like, finally learning to love yourself (pfft). This is about what you need to do and learn before you hit the big three-oh. Because you are now a grown up and it’s time to stop denying it.
Stop automatically ordering the cheapest wine on the menu. Go for the second cheapest instead, much classier. Then when a waiter asks you if you want to ‘sample’ it, say yes, because you are an adult. You can totally fake the sniffing and swilling (don’t spit it out though, waiters hates that).
Um, Kate Middleton was marrying the heir to the throne by the time she was 30. So… yeah, stop getting off with that idiot, James, who you know to be a idiot, and get cracking with finding your prince. Harry’s still mostly available, right?
3. OK, look, you’ve spent (probably?) the last ten years deciding to get fit
. It’s time to finally make that leap. It’s time to finally do it: Decide you can’t be bothered. Give up on getting fit. Just wear tracksuit bottoms all the time instead and people will assume you’re a fitness fanatic (or Amanda Bynes). Oh and if it helps, studies say thinking about your muscles can make you stronger. So suck it, MyFitnessPal.
4. Watch all seven series of Buffy the Vampire Slayer again. Realise that Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar) is now 36, so it happens to us all. Also, you’ve forgotten how brilliant it is.
Be brave. Ask that friend you’ve known forever what she does for a living. It’ll be OK! She’s probably never really understood what you do either.
6. Try wearing double denim. Because it’s time to break some rules and figure out your ‘look’. And, y’know, maybe it’ll actually work on you. At the very least you’ll provide some light relief to any passing teenagers.
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7. It’s time to admit to your mum that the night when you were 15 and you threw up all over Lily the dog was not “because of an out-of-date turkey burger you ate at your friend Harry’s house,” but, in fact, alcohol related. We’re all grown-ups now, right? She can handle the truth. And Lily’s long dead, so she’s not going to care.
8. Get on top of your correspondence at last, by reading every email in your spam folder. Decide maybe you should get a penis enlargement.
9. Take on a challenge: The Cinnamon Challenge.
10. Learn all the words to Cam’Ron’s Hey Ma so you know how to cope with Youths hitting on you in clubs. Realise it’s actually quite an offensive song and never bring it up again.
11. You’ve been thinking about it for years. Just once – one time – write that comment you want to write on Your Most Annoying Friend On Facebook’s latest smug photo. “Nobody cares about your feet. Stop posting pictures of them.” Passive-aggression is so grown up.
12. Get your zombie apocalypse contingency plan ready. YOU NEVER KNOW. And now you’re heading for 30, you’re going to be that much slower.
13. Start a ‘birthday cards drawer’. Your mum has one, right? It’s something every grown up has. Pretty sure.
Become suspicious of technology. Get a landline. Start referring to things as “new-fangled”.
Wait for a windy day, pull a funny face, convince a small child that your expression is stuck like that. As an adult, it’s your responsibility to start lying to kids.
16. Tell everyone you’re having a mid-life crisis, that you’re buying a motorbike, quitting your job, and going off around the world on your own. Do none of these things.
17. Katie Price is currently promoting her FORTY-NINTH BOOK. Think about that for a bit, then finally start writing that book you’ve ‘always had in you’. Or give up on humanity. Either way.
18. Six year olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day. So dammit, stop being so happy all the time. What are you, six? Hide your space hopper, steer clear of bouncy castles and avoid ball pits at all costs.
19. Pose like a thumb. It’s funny, and it’ll be much easier now you are old and have all those chins.
20. Spice things up by
booking a night in a hotel under the names Clive Bixby and Juliana. And if that makes no sense to you, spend a night at a hotel watching Modern Family, it’s great.
21. Watch The Human Centipede. We’re really sorry, you have to, it’s a rite of passage and important so you can say you have seen it. Sorry.
22. Time to start being really patronising about youth culture. Find out what twerking is, then use it in conversation with air quotes and a wry smile. Same with YOLO.
23. Get in touch with nature (think Julia Roberts/Eat, Pray, Love) by having a conversation with a dolphin. They can apparently understand a large vocabulary and basic sentence structure. You guys, dolphins are awesome.
24. Enter a Daybreak competition, because Lorraine Kelly is now going to be your favourite celebrity. Plus, how awesome would it be to win a mini van and £20k in cash! *immediately sells mini van*
25. Finally confront your sister about that time she stole your KitKat from the fridge – the one you were specifically saving for later just to annoy her. It’s time to put those demons to rest, my friend.
26. Check out what your name is according to Urban Dictionary. There’s an alternative and inexplicable meaning for everything and it’s great fodder for all those awesome dinner parties you’re going to be attending from now on.
27. Now you’re such an adult, you can get away with things you couldn’t before. Draw
a ‘tache on a poster! Write a rude word on a toilet door! No-one will believe it’s the grown woman wearing double denim.
28. Boys are no longer scary and confusing, it’s men that are now scary and confusing. So arm yourself with some facts about the differences between your species. Eg. Did you know that women blink twice as many times as men do? And that we are more sensitive to smell and sounds than them? Isn’t that weird?
Reach 69 followers on Twitter, just so you can screen grab it and prove you’re not losing your stupid sense of humour in your old age.
By Lucy Vine
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