1) Kim Kardashian and Kanye West will renew their wedding vows in a $6 million Parisian ceremony
Justin Bieber will officiate, Kim will wear a black midi and the dress code will enforce Kylie Jenner-style green wigs.
2) Mark Wright and Michelle Keegan will announce they’re expecting their first child
Michelle will (obvs) nail maternity wear and the first photo will be THE most adorable thing we’ve ever seen.
If it’s a girl, they’ll honour Mich’s Coronation Street character with the name Tina. For a boy, they’ll go for Mark Jr.
3) Cara Delevingne will be cast in a gritty war biopic and win the Oscar for Best Actress
She’ll star alongside Daniel Day-Lewis, Meryl Streep and Leonardo DiCaprio.
4) Kendall Jenner will quit Keeping Up With The Kardashians, cover her body in tattoos and become an alternative model
Of course, she’ll still be as gorgeous as ever.
5) Jennifer Aniston will get a buzz cut
Yep, she’s finally tired of those glossy locks. Justin Theroux loves his wife’s new style, and they look more alike than ever.
6) Jesy Nelson will marry Jake Roche live on Loose Women
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What better venue than Jake’s mum Coleen Nolan’s place of work?!
Her Little Mix bandmates will perform I’m In The Mood For Dancing. Shane Richie (Jake’s dad) will come in character as EastEnders‘ Alfie Moon and they’ll have the reception at the Queen Vic.
7) Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer will invest in a flat share together
They’ll share frequent selfies of themselves binge-watching Breaking Bad, plucking each other’s eyebrows and eating takeaway pizzas.
8) Harry Styles will go solo – but not in the way everyone expects him to
He’ll go into hiding while undertaking some secret opera lessons for the first six months of the year.
In July, he’ll shock the world by rebranding as Hazzarotti and releasing a highly-praised cover album of the Carmen soundtrack.
9) Emma Watson will become an MP
And she’ll end up top of the polls to be voted our next Prime Minister. We’re already excited.
10) Taylor Swift will grow disillusioned with her squad and relocate to a secluded island
She’ll create a modest home using sand, twigs and palm leaves. Calvin Harris will be allowed to visit once a month by canoe.
11) Ryan Gosing will reveal that he was actually grown in a top-secret laboratory in the depths of the Mojave Desert
Because nobody can be that naturally good looking. Seriously.