Bank Holidays are brilliant aren’t they? *happy sigh* But there are 12 things that will inevitably happen, every bank holiday…
1. Someone’s dad is in a garden shed somewhere, RIGHT THIS SECOND, cleaning his barbeque, his hands shaking with excitement, as he tells himself: “This Bank Holiday’s BBQ will be the best yet. This time, no-one’s eyebrows will be sacrificed and everyone will love the perfectly-cooked sausages that are neither dangerously undercooked, nor so over-cooked they’re no longer technically considered food.” Those exact words are what he’s thinking.
2. A friend will get really into planning a massive day out, which starts with a drink in a pub garden, leading into a gallery visit, followed by a picnic and a walk by the river, not forgetting exploring a local castle, followed by BLAH BLAH – you don’t get past the pub part.
3. You realise you’ve got no food in the house for the weekend, and nothing is open except that dodgy newsagents where milk is £3.50 a pint.
4. Someone will suggest playing rounders, which will spark an hour-long conversation about PE at school and how shouty Mr Hall was during football practice, and how you had six or seven periods a month to get out of it.
5. Your family will have an argument. Probably about the remote control.
6. Someone will make a ‘political joke’ about how ‘banks’ really need a ‘holiday’ right now – snort – and everyone will shout them down for ruining the mood with recession talk.
7. You’ll watch The Hangover and swear that “next Bank Holiday we’re going to Vegas. Yes we are, man, and you’re going to be in charge of the tiger.”
8. One of your friends will have to work, and you’ll spend the entire weekend getting hate-texts from her and photos of a stapler she’s threatening to use on herself.
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9. You drink cider! Even though you never drink cider! Look! Everyone! It’s the bank holiday, so we’re drinking cider!
10. IT WON’T RAIN (it will)
11. You’ll have this inspired idea of going to the park. Where you find seven million other people with the same original idea.
12. You’ll spend all of Monday evening wondering why no-one’s come up with a bank holiday that also includes Tuesdays. FOUR-DAY-WEEKEND – C’MON.