Musicians are deep, deep people, you guys. They ask a lot of questions about the world and the universe and love and sometimes about how ya doin’. And it’s hard to find answers to those questions because they’re super busy helping the world and changing their hair colour. So we’ve done them a favour and answered some of their most meaningful questions. You owe us one, celebrities.
1. Mariah Carey:
Do You Know Where You’re Going To
Our year 8 geography teacher will have the answer to this one! *checks old school reports*
Answer: “Probably shelf stacking at the local Woolworths”
2. Kanye West:
Who Gon Stop Me
Who gon stop you indeed, Kanye. It’s a tricky one, because – as we all know – you are a God, which could make stopping you a little big difficult.
Answer: Hopefully some kind of independent music body, with the power to legally arrest and detain singers who irritate us.
3. Little Mix:
How Ya Doin’?
While possibly trying to sell ringtones, the Little Muffins accidentally stumble onto one of life’s big questions.
Answer: Sweet of you to ask. We had a strawberry yoghurt earlier that went out of date yesterday and now we feel a bit weird and sick. But it’s probably psychosomatic, so don’t worry about calling a doctor or anything. (Maybe call a doctor.)
4. Black Eyed Peas:
Where Is The Love?
Of course BEP have questions! Even one of the singers has a question for a name!
5. Michael Buble:
Who’s Lovin’ You
The bigger question here, is who said it was OK to remove a consonant from ‘loving’? How would you feel if we went round calling you Ichael? Ichael Uble? Actually, that’s hilarious, we’re making that a thing.
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Answer: Our mum. Apart from this one time when she accidentally went to the zoo without us when we were six.
What Makes A Man
From their collection of on-stage bar stools, Mark, Shane, Kian and even Brian sometimes too found life a bit confusing at times.
Answer: We Googled it, and most people think penis.
7. Lion King:
Can You Feel The Love Tonight
Mufasa died you guys! Can we just have a tiny sense of propriety here, please? And enough with the farting in the jungle Pumba! Not cool man, not cool.
Answer: Nobody talk to us right now.
Don’t You Remember
Were we drunk? We were probably drunk. We didn’t get off with someone’s boyfriend, did we? Did we shout at the barman? Oh God, did we refuse to get in the taxi and then jump out the other side and run off shrieking into the night, like last time? We’re never doing shots again.
Answer: No, sorry.
9. The Saturdays:
What About Us
We don’t want to be judgemental ladies, but that’s kinda self-involved. You know, there was this one time when we were six and our parents went to the zoo without us because we were in the loo and they totally forgot about us, but do you hear us going on about it?
Answer: There’s a whole world of other people out there – WHAT ABOUT THEM? Go listen to
MJ’s Earth Song
to get some perspective.
10. Whitney Houston:
How Will I Know
Whitney also wants to know where broken hearts go and whether we almost had it all.
Answer: Check Wikipedia.
11. One Direction:
What Makes You Beautiful
You know what would make us feel really beautiful, Niall, Harry, Liam, Zayn? You ringing us.
Answer: Not wearing our glasses. It makes everything soft-focus.
We feel like we’ve helped the world a bit today, so while we’re here, have none of you heard of a question mark? Black Eyed Peas and Little Mix are apparently the only fans, but their grammar is appalling in every other respect. Seriously, do we have to do everything around here?
By Lucy Vine