Donald Trump isn’t the punchline to the world’s worst president joke anymore, the man is dangerous. I say man, at this point his ego has inflated to such gargantuan proportions he resembles something closer to a melting hippo with a death-wish. If you’ve ever wondered why his hair is so big, it’s because he keeps his secrets in there…
What secrets you ask? Probably the slew of unsuccessful business ventures that we don’t bring up enough. Day after day, our Twitter feeds are chockablock with the latest horrific statement made by the business mogul.
Because of this, we don’t have time to recall all of his largest failures. But let’s take a step back, separate ourselves from the potential future where Trump is President and try to learn from the bloated hate-monger’s greatest mistakes.
So let’s jump right in on maybe the worst thing to happen to the alcohol industry since Van Gogh overdid it on the absinthe and cut his own ear off. Introduced in 2006, the ironic tagline for this heinous spirit was “Success Distilled”. Meant to compete with the newly emerging Grey Goose brand, Trump Vodka tanked quicker than a bachelorette party polishes half a bottle of The Goose.
Trump made his fortunes in real estate but has had a consistently terrible home-life. Leaving his first wife for a mistress in 1992 after 18 years of marriage, that venture lasted a whole seven years. Trump is now married to the Slovenian supermodel Melania Knauss but we’re taking bets for how long that lasts once Trump starts a war with Europe.
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The Hair, Oh God, The Hair!
Legend has that when Trump made his first billion, a mystical fox crawled up on his dome at night and drew its last breath. Since then, Trump has been rocking the blown-dried vermin style since the late 80s. Getting more yellow year after year, we can only speculate that by 2020 it will spontaneously combust.
Without boring you with the details, Donald Trump has declared bankruptcy on numerous business ventures over and over again. It’s a testament to his arrogance that the man would get himself into $4 billion of debt and not crawl back into the hole that he emerged from. Really puts your student debt woes in perspective, eh.