Happy #InternationalCoffeeDay, we guess. Celebrate this holiday by drinking coffee like you would any of the days for the rest of your life. Excuse me while I get all cynical but do we really need a holiday for every single part of our lives. Are we that deprived of reasons to feel grateful or is it just clever marketing.

Actually, #ICD isn’t even that bad of a commemorative day. Coffee has some cultural gravity and is widely enjoyed by most adults. We need to put a stop to all these psedu-celebratory days that clog up our Twitter feeds.

Oh, you don’t think they’re complete garbage. Give me ten chances to prove it otherwise.

1. It’s My Party Day – October 11th

Not to be confused with ‘selfish asshole day’ which might feel the same but for some reason gets its own holiday.

2. Polar Bear Day – February 27th

Let’s dedicate a day to a beautiful creature that we are single handedly wiping from existence, hooray, Twitter! By 2025, this will be Polar Bear Remembrance Day.

3. Middle Name Pride Day – March 10th

Ah yes, this holiday makes sense. There are too many people suffering chronically low-self esteem because of middle name prejudice. When will the cruelty end?

4. Wiggle Your Toes Day – August 6th

That’s really going to take you all day?

5. Make Up Your Own Holiday Day – 26th March


6. Cow Appreciation Day – July 15th

Hey cows, check your feed. We’ll be nice to you today and then grind you up into flat discs tomorrow. Sound good?

7. Dog In Politics Day – September 23rd 

There is a reasonable back story to this that concerns one of Richard Nixon’s better speeches. However, a quick Twitter search just reveals stupid looking dogs forced to stand by podiums.

8. Look Up At The Sky Day – April 14th

This is quite helpful, actually. If you see someone you know looking up at the sky on April 14th you can rationally conclude that they’re a moron and take your first steps toward disassociating yourself from them entirely.

9. National Mole Day – October 23rd

Nobody cares about moles and you’re a liar if you say you ever have.

10. National Nothing Day – January 16th

Too right.